Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*serious situation*
My brain:
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.