You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?