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Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Noted.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.