Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”