Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The cashier just checked me out.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish