I’m ready for Halloween this year
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.