Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.