Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.