My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.