My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*launders Kohls cash*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.