[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”