Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Who did it better?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is everyone getting married at me
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still