Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba