Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m dying louder than usual today.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.