Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.