I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok