I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.