People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
You Might Also Like
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My purse is deeper than some people.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama