[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
You Might Also Like
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
oh you wanna fight?!
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.