If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.