There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap