CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*