Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.