This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
This kid is going places
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
getting old is fun
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans