cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Morning.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.