Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable