Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The Backseat Boys
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
multitasking lunch
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…