Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?