I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You Might Also Like
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*