The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Plant care tips
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
It’s an epidemic…
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off