What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
You Might Also Like
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.