If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
You Might Also Like
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Confused owl: What?!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times