You Might Also Like
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.