Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Saturday
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Friends that check up on you >
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.