Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]