reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
🔦🌙👣
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
#FunnyLife Insects
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.