Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
life finds a way
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Anyone really