[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!