Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
me as a parent
You deplete me
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I am, perchance
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*