Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
You Might Also Like
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
WTF IS THAT!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
rich people when they have to pay taxes