Mummies are just super modest zombies
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
This did not end as expected.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.