Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I bet
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.