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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.