Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
So many pants.
So little yoga.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
my professor scared me for a second
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
that wasn’t the question
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.