Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
May have had one breakfast too many
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh