[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.