djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
shit just got real
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Liquor Store Parking
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship