Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Swedish for common sense.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!