People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
work smarter, not harder
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Software Development ⛵️
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.