My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*